December 27, 2015
The first needle has the biggest prick. That sounded unnecessarily dirty. After the first you hardly feel them going in, the are just filling space. This place had bee recommended to me by someone at work, they went to the Sunday meditation class.
I let out a breath and felt myself melting into the table. Red swirls were running around the front of my eyes. When should I get someone on board for PR? I should really get some promotional photos done. When would the money come through from Charlie & Alex? Would I need to tell them exactly what I spent it on, surely not. I needed a business account like yesterday, and I guess a lawyer to set it all up. Damn. How long had I been thinking about this? I needed to chill. Focus on your breath.
I tried to identify each individual needle in my back, and how far into my body it was reaching, and what it was doing – popping bags of toxins, allowing them to escape through the hundreds of holes. Were there even a hundred?
Michael would be at his parents place today, thank god I wasn’t going. I wondered what he was wearing, he always prepped himself up for them, even spoke differently, it was gross. I felt I was starting to change the way I looked at him, how I thought about him. Was there always someone in a relationship that had the advantage? Like some kind of sport, where the score was rarely equal, and if it was it became a dull existence. I guess I had the power now. I was the one who could take it or leave it. He was worried the business would be really successful and I would be the girl he would look back on and wished he had of put more effort into. I hate acknowledging it, but guys showing that they are scared that you could upgrade is really unattractive. Did I just think that? Do I believe that? It’s not an endorsement of the ‘treat em mean’ shtick’ – it’s situational, like it’s background is in how I was keen for him to commit but he was distant and then when the circumstances changed and he was having a down week, he panicked and changed his priorities. Everything needed to be taken in context.
How long had we been here? I focused on my breath again, letting it stream out my nose, I felt the back of my eyes, a hanging sensation like shoulders dangling from the steel bars of a playground.
I wondered if mum had read my email yet, if she had shown it to dad, if they would be happy and if what I was doing with my life was satisfactory. For once it was starting to feel satisfactory. That’s what mattered right? Did they actually think I was going to make it? Did anyone? Vince didn’t – he wasn’t really considering that I would grow something and leave to do it, or maybe he was, perhaps that’s why he wouldn’t give me the flexible day. One measly day.
Ok, probably only a few minutes more. Soak it up, remember this feeling. Jamie must be enjoying this, something unexpected and different. What was running through her mind, what were her issues? That guy from work? What did she think of me? She would know she earned more then me, did that make her feel successful, earning more then her sister. Or was that some kind of consolation prize for doing something she didn’t enjoy. She probably did enjoy it. Everyone is different right.
I felt I was moving into a new era of me in New York. We had felt each other out and now we were ready to build something together, to coexist more harmoniously, to co-create for the greater good.
I wanted him to remove the needles slowly so I could understand where each one was, it would be cool to guess which one would come next, that would be amazing. Why had I not done this before, it was brilliant. I was coming back for sure. Charlotte would like this. I bet she could switch her mind off in an instant, she had so much control like that. How many people could do that? Surely everyone didn’t have as much crap floating around their heads as me. Imagine being able to hear everyone’s thoughts, didn’t that drive the guy from Xmen crazy? I suppose you would just get used to it. It would be horrible having sex with some people. You would need to hook up with super chill people. Not like me. I would be a terrible girlfriend for the Xmen dude.